Saturday, March 22, 2014

Sometimes words flow to me.

It's 142 in the morning. I park. I decide to clean out my car a little because I have two free hands. Pull out some old love notes from Nikelle still in the car, three to be exact. I've grown accustomed to jogging to and from everything so I start running for the door. I walk in like its Monday evening at 5 and startle some guy on our couch that's not Chris. I'd freak out too if someone busted in the door in the middle of the night. Make my way back to the room not talking to the alarmed figure, chucking the garbage from the car, minus the notes. I walk in, Lance is asleep it hits me.

It's been four years. This is almost over.

I look down at the notes. Put them aside. And a tear rolls down my cheek. Maybe it's just late. Maybe it is, but maybe this is also real. Where did it all go? The four years, where did it go? Why do I want to redo so many things, but also leave them just the way they are?

I go into the bathroom do my normal routine hand wash, teeth, pee, hand wash, sleep.

In bed my mind thinks. I wish I could look at the four year calendar and map everything out. Immediately I imagine it, and placing each great event in order, fighting back a river of tears I drift to sleep.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Semester Wrap-Up 7. it is again. The end of my seventh semester. Basically, I'm a semester away from freedom from school for a little while. That's the scariest thing. Eh. I say that, but then it doesn't feel that way at all.

So. Taking a look back at the semester some great things have happened. I learned that anthropology is pretty cool. I learned not to judge people. I didn't think I did anyway but now I know everyone has a back story to who they are and why they are who they are. I've learned I have the same emotions in common with the Bushmen in South Africa. We may believe different things, but underneath it all, me and Ukwane are pretty similar. I also learned that there are some interesting cultures. I learned that Wal-Mart is pretty crappy. I learned that Apple is kinda cool. I learned that Bill Gates was an extremely nerdy dude who ate too much pizza in the 80's. I want pizza. I HAVE PIZZA!!! BRB!

That was legit. I literally forgot.

Philosophy. I learned that there have been some pretty smart dudes. I learned that science doesn't prove much because this could all be fake and we could all be brains in a vat. I learned that we have successfully produced a protein from lighting and some other inorganic stuff. That's pretty freaky. I mean...if it's even real...still could be in the matrix right now. I learned that some people just thinking in a room almost arrived at the Mormon religion without even meaning to a couple hundred years before Joseph Smith. That's kinda crazy. I learned that there are holes in all arguments. I learned that a man named William James said the smartest thing I've ever heard. Basically, if you can't prove something with science or reason its okay to side with which ever one you believe in more. THANK YOU. The debates will always be over now for me. It was like a breathe of fresh air.

I learned that Freshmen coming into that class need a solid testimony haha

We didn't read anti, but she brought up all the objections to the church one could think of. There are answers. I loved it. The class is in my top 3 of all classes at BYU. I stand a chance at getting an A in it.

Basketball. I learned not to judge a book by its cover. I really didn't like one dude in the class because he was a ball hog to death. the court he's a great dude. I learned that I have a  pretty sweet half court shot. I know how to use picks now...and how to pick in a zone. Word. I also may be a players assistant to the BYU team next semester because I rocked it in class.

Design......listen don't ever talked to me about the word honesty ever again. I know about honesty inside and out. I can make my own shoes. That's what I got there.

Spiritually...I have learned to serve more. I love doing the dishes for my apartment now, even though I do grumble. I love having a clean apartment and I love cleaning it. I remember a quote about obedience, something like...when obedience becomes a way of life....something....well charity is a commandment and obedience to it is becoming easier. I love that. I've done some stupid know...everyone has their favorite sins. Always got to kick those things, stay in reality, think before acting. The Spirit has always warned me before doing dumb things...I need to pay more attention to His promptings in that regard.

Friends. Made some great new friends. Get blazed. Miss some of the old ones. Jules. The girls of 113 & 114, miss them bad. I've learned that if someone knows your buttons, they will push them. But Lance and I keep trucking. We've both been through a crap-ton in 4 months.

I've learned that a Macbook will break the bank. Hard.

I've learned that I've made some mistakes, that have cost me dearly. I have a hard time believing it sometimes. It's been a hard semester, behind all the laughs. Ultimately, this whole year has been about trusting God. I don't know what else to do. So much could be said...Anyway...

Love, and spend time loving. The longer I'm alive, the more I cherish each moment.

Drop the mic. See ya soon 2014.

Friday, December 6, 2013

How to live : Change and Motivation

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." - Jesus The Christ

Okay. So that's significant. Sure. But at just a walk by view its hard to pull away what one should or how one should view that phrase. 

I have never thought much about this scripture myself, other than to recite it in my brain, which does next to nothing. Sad as that may be. 

What I'm talking about is how we treat others. We know who cares more about us because we can feel it. I also feel like we know when we hurt people or put people off or something. Nothing is said, but its like there is this other worldly element that reacts to everything and is sensitive. Don't know what that could be. Sounds like rubbish. 

So understanding this and accepting that as real, it is safe to say that people are people and that people are complicated multi faceted beings with various ideas about life and how things should be. Some hold to those ideas like they are real tangible things, never letting go. We'll get to that none sense in a minute. 

But talking about Kantian ethics...the guy who stole the above quote and elaborated on it...I want to share some thoughts from Philosophy class. Basically, because I like my readers to learn things whether they like me or not as a person. Punks. Don't hate. 

Kant says several things - but says it really detailed and hard to bring out. 

Think about this. Our motivations are good when our motivations stay the same when the consequences change. Regardless of what the end of result is, you stay true and a good person. I love that. 

Next. Act as though you want whatever it is you do to become a universal law. Should I kill? I don't know, do I want other people killing me? No...don't do that thing. Should I lie, cheat, steal, smack people's mouths with raw meat, kick puppies, pie people in the face at church, arson, poop on pillowcases (Lance's fave), spray sleeping people with frigid water, push Clark off the couch? If I don't want these things to be universally okay for others to do to me, then no, I should not do those things. 

Last. Always treat people as an end, not a means to an end. Basically, don't use people to achieve selfish goals. That's self explanatory. 



I think its futile

to hold on to our norms. To hold onto the old ways. While I consider morals a constant, for they have to be, I consider a lot of things unfinalizable. We sometimes think we that the way we do things is the best. That’s only a means to the end of never progressing. 

Truth is, things are changing all the time around us. The only thing constant is change. Why would we not adapt our circumstances to the situations of our lives? 

Why must we be hardheaded? 

I'm not 100% charitable. Get there. I'm don't always listen to the best music. I need to stop. I won't get there tomorrow but I need to try. I'm not always the nicest person. I need to start being a nicer person....that is probably the most important. 

But change. Change is what needs to happen. I get scared of it sometimes and we all do. I don't care what mask you put on. Part of this Post-Modern age we live in is that everyone is starting to open more and talk about everything. I like it to a point. What I do like is that people are starting to not feel abnormal or that they need to hide it....again to an extent....sheesh....I also believe in decency, which some people throw out the window instantly. DUMB.

I digress. Point is. Ideas about life come and go. We learn things that replace what we think all the time, whether we think we do or not, it's happening. 

Basically, I'm saying this so people will be nicer and think about others more often. Just be slow to anger, quick to hear people out. Slow to mean words, quick to kind ones. Slow to shun, quick to include. It all works out in the end. 

This is me dropping the mic and walking away. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

How to live : The Savior and Righteousness

It's a silly thing to think we have any control over anything but ourselves.

I want to talk a little bit about the Heavenly Father and the Savior. Believe me when I say it is the Father that we turn to for comfort. I hope we remember that. Heavenly Father is the one that deserves our undivided attention, with reverence and admiration to our Savior Jesus who is the advocate to the Father.

I love the Lord God. I know He's there. I know He has the plan of my life laid out. I do stray from it. But I try my hardest to live and walk that line. I know that eternity works in a way that God is constantly aware of our state. I know in the silent moments when we are by ourselves He is there. When we are down He is especially there. Surely the enabling power of the Atonement is there.

When we are kicked to the ground. There is a scripture I like to think of. It's one of my favorites.

And the world, because of their iniquity, shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they aspit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving bkindness and his clong-suffering towards the children of men. 1 Nephi 19:6

I sometimes put that in my situation and add to it because the Lord knows how everyone feels. They break his heart and he suffereth it, they forget about him and he suffereth it, they don't acknowledge him and he suffereth it, they say they'll do something and they don't and he suffereth it, they make him feel left out and he suffereth it. 

The Lord knows everything and feels everything. 

I love that scripture because it helps me remember that He suffered all and did it for me and all my pains. My hope is that it will bring you the same comfort.


Righteousness is the sole way to live life. There is never happiness in doing things opposite to light. What I have noticed in my life is those things that tempt us to do wrong, use our bodies in ways that our not congruent with how God intended our bodies to be used. Drugs, Coffee, Pornography all misuse the body, even to the point to be addicted. It's interesting to me that righteousness allows the body to be free and work seamlessly with life, hence truly making us free.

Enough with biology. Have you felt the Spirit? It's real and the point to this whole thing. The conduit by which Heavenly Father reveals things to us is the Spirit. He is temperamental...well stingy...well stingy...He doesn't stand up for things He will be #gone before you can realize it. 

You never know what you have til its gone. 

A lesson I have learned all too frequently. It also, to me, reminds me of the several times that I have felt the Spirit with me and then felt Him depart when I decide to be a **moronic. 

Anyway. I have several times in my life literally felt the good Spirit that I had built up, drain from me. Which was bad. But to have the Spirit back was great. Regain the Spirits embrace and be worthy for it was nothing short of great. It's like the color was back into the world. You can still operate without the gift of the Holy Ghost, but why would you want that? 

I think I've said my piece. Righteous is key on how to live. I should be doing homework. But I just needed to take a break and let my thought flow. 

**FUNNYYY --- Haven't done one of these in a while. Probably ruins the spirit of this post, ironic? Anyway, me and my brother use to use adverbs/adjectives as nouns. I loved it. Still do it. Still funny to me...Think about it. You are a big stink. Even verbs as nouns is hilarious. Stop being a dang turd flick. That was one of my favorites. Ya dern butt slap. Most of them had to do with poop and butts...we were boys. We thought it was funny. Get off me about it. Ya rude. Gotta do the emphasis right...hit me up about it sometime. ----

Saturday, November 9, 2013

How to live? 1st thought at an answer.

Sometimes we have to be vulnerable. I don't like it. Some people hold their cards close to their chest and I don’t feel that's the way to do things. 

I could be wrong. Maybe holding things close to the chest isn't all that bad. There is something to be said about that. Not sure what, protection maybe? Strength? Definitely. Different blog, different day. 

Some of my most precious memories come from showing unrestricted emotions towards a person. Actions and words use to combine into something. I can get behind that. Since I've been home from my mission communication between my parents and sibling has strengthened greatly as I have learned to be open and make sure that I tell them I love them verbally. It carries with it a power beyond what I know. My mission taught me that and I will continue that throughout my life. 

If I love you, I'll tell you. 

Being slow to act is mostly the best to me. Some things require quick, immediate attention, but I have found that most matters can be well taken care of without quick blasts. 

We all have time. Plenty of it to take care of things.  

But on the inverse. 

I just put myself out there it's probably why I get stomped on sometimes. I mean. I look at myself and I'm like well shoot jake all your thoughts are on the chopping block. And I don't really realize that's what I'm doing. I'm just going on pure emotion. I just say it because I want my heart cleared. I don't realize that by doing that my heart is out there to be destroyed, which it has been as I awkwardly tilt, twirl and stumble through this thing called life. 

All the while never noticing I put myself in that position. You roll the dice you pay the price. Just this isn't a gamble with money. 

It's something more real.

I just look back at my position and think "man, this sucks and I just keep putting myself out there". I mean. Maybe there is vulnerability and just straight stupidity. 

But in my head I just think "no, just keep giving ang giving and get more and more trampled" til I'm like "okayyyyy i give up". 

That's how I deal with life. Everyone this is me taking a bow. You've been a great audience. 

A great friend said to me, “Could it get any worse? You've probably hit the bottom by now." Nice... 

I'm the type of person that was the child that burnt his hand on the stove. Parents told me don't do that again, that burns huh? But I'm like, no. I'm going to keep touching that burner until it knows exactly how I feel! Getting burned everytime, further deepening the burnt tissue. 

That's nice imagery. Thats how I deal with life. To this point it has been okay. 

I mean, I don’t have any stress fractures or blood clots.

Separate thought. I think sometimes we just look for stuff to hate in people. I’m even bad at this, without even knowing. The other day I thought, “What if my children like such and such a thing? Will I be mad at them? Would I hate my own kids for enjoying something I don’t feel attached to?” 

Maybe that’s too harsh of an example, but I don’t think so. In the deep parts of our mind maybe in order to keep ourselves straight we should have some worse case scenarios. 

I also wonder what is the phenomena that hangs over a person to pull the unwanted, probably unmerited thoughts of others.

It’s something I’m working on. 

I never know what has acted on people to make them the way that they are. That’s one thing I’ve learned in my….recent years….I was going to old age……but like well yeah

I think a lot of things would be settled if we just look at the future. Burning bridges and wot not.

Because underneath it all, I like to believe that we are all reasonable people. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

(2posts) I came in like a wrecking ball...

I'm sorry about the title for sure...

***Random thought. Still hung up on people thinking I'm marriage hungry...People think I am (which is wrong), but what about the people who let it consume them to the point they don't function. What a strange world we live in. Random thought completed.***

Blog Starting Line ---------------------

I just want to take the time to talk about how beautiful ya'll girls are.

I know, this isn't exactly my blogs normal dialogue, but I just want to say how true it is.

I have been priviledged to know some girls as of late, who I have literally stopped and thought, "Shoot."

I pondered on this later. I mean, some girls get down on themselves for one reason or another, but in my honest opinion there is no need. I know beauty is only skin deep, but each of these girls have great, genuine personalities.

I know girls sometimes think that they may not be as pretty as the next girl or whatever. Society is wrong. Comparisons are no good because we are talking about a matter of opinions and they vary so much from person to person that they are simply incomparable and not worthy of our dwelling thoughts.

----2nd Post

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I think about and how much I time I spend thinking about the things I think about. In no particular order.

I think about design a lot. I think about girls a lot. I think about how to be a better a lot. I spend a lot of time wondering what the heck I'm doing with my life. I spend a lot of time thinking about funny things. I spend a lot of time thinking about other people in general. I spend a lot of time thinking about God. I spend a lot of time thinking about the Atonement and repentance.

I spend some time thinking about fear. I spend some time thinking about my class. I spend some time thinking about how much time I have left at BYU, in the 105, in Provo, with my friends. I spend a lot of time thinking about things I just need to stop doing. I spend some time everyday thinking about my family and how I miss them and miss seeing them.

At least two of three times a day I think about my parents and how great they are. I just spend about 5 minutes thinking about them and nothing else. It happens everyday. Seriously though.

The question was posed to me, "How can we have the Spirit of God in our lives more?"

My answer simply was to read the scriptures. Thinking about that I realized the more time we spend doing something the more time we spend thinking about it and pondering about it. If we spend time at the Temple, spend time in the scriptures, spend time with good company, then the subject of our thoughts becomes things of the Kingdom of God.

I know a very logical flow, but I feel its got merit.

Back in the day I determined that there are certain things we do that give Satan fire power. If we view images and media that is not appropriate that give Satan fire power. He can bring up those images when he chooses. When we listen to inappropriate music on the regs, he can pull that back up at a moments notice. Before you know it you got Dr. Dre's Millennium album blasting in your mind. No bueno.

However, if you listen to and see wholesome images and media that gives the Spirit firepower from which He can use to overpower evil thoughts that Satan tries to use to harm us.

It's a formula for success. I've seen it work in my life. I know its real. It's the reason I think a 2 year mission is so great, because eventually after enough time of thinking about the Lord and the teachings of the Prophets, it becomes all you think about and a permanent spot in your thoughts.

Think about that.

----Random thoughts that I have----
If only I could count the times, in three years, I have walked sidewalk at my apartment complex from one side of the complex to the other, totally frustrated with life, looking up at the the cold...exhaling deeply and thinking..."crap"...

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Rufio! Rufio! Ru-Fi-Ooooooo!!!!

It's a rainy day. I just ate a huge burrito. There are some things I just want to get down and roll out. 

Rufio is the best band in the whole darn world. Sorry. Kidding. My apologies to Led Zep, Beach Boys, Elvis...etc...

But they have a song called What You Wanna Hear. Its often time what I think about. Because, again this is what my blog is about, the inner workings of a boys mind. 

Well the toughness still, in a moment turns real life.
I struggle through my mind
But still have no words to say how I
Just know it could be right,
But now I've got an answer in the light
the moment passed me by.

If only I could think of what you wanna hear,
I can get a grip or or my life's over.
Now believe, I see how much you mean to me.
Think about the moment, look me in the eye,
Tell me that you want to give it a try,
And your make believe could be our reality.

Soooo sick. I mean sooo sick...soooo

I shared it! Again excellent CD. They've come a long way from their first album.