I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Journaling just doesn't seem to do it. Maybe its because its on paper, maybe its because it could burn in a fire...who knows. I'm mid-semester of my Sophmore year at BYU. I never thought college would be so hard. I actually never thought anything would be harder than my mission. Well...surprise! It's terribly harder. It started out being a piece of cake. It started out being fun. Then things got complicated. One choice lead to another and then bam...here we are today.
Its kinda stinky that I try to find things to blame it all on. Essentially...I've chosen everything based on the people in my life. And when there is a fork there is always a harder decision. Sometimes I blame bad choices on girls (which I have made a score of them based on that) , but more recently, my major. I was talking to a girl in my class and I told her, "You know...most people just think I'm lame. But most people don't get it. This school and this major actaully does take up most of my life and if it doesn't its because I'm not putting in enough effort. It's not that I don't want to be doing other things, its just that this is consuming." She agreed and added, "Most people think 'well, yeah right, its not that bad, you can find time' ", but it literally is, I literally could, but shouldn't.
As I'm moving to my Junior year, I think back to how much has been ripped from me because of this major. I'm hoping it all becomes worth it. One of my best friends said, "School work should be HOT to a girl." Maybe... Maybe its the girl's mixed up priorities. Like...dang. But I like what I do. And perhaps thats not the only reason (I am near sighted. I am a designer. I do write in all caps. I haven't cut my toe nails in a little bit. My hair cut hasn't changed. Sometimes I wear mismatched socks. Occasionally I rewear dirty clothes. Like.... I littered once. ) ...but....
It does add up.
It does take its toll.
Do I feel lame? Yes.
I mean I've been in kinda a rut for some time now. And everytime I think I'm going to get some kind of relief, blam! Suck on this! It's the worst.
What more can I do? I served a mission. I was intense. I'm active...but I don't really have a church calling. I have 100% hometeaching and I try to serve them as much as possible. Like...yeah...I dont have a lot of friends... Most nights I sit at home with my roommates. We talk.... I'm not even good at thinking of stuff to do anymore. I mean, if anyone has some advice lay it down. Shoot me a message. I'm pretty certain there isn't much more I can do. Self-confidence is at an all time low.
Am I being over dramatic? At this point in my life I feel like I can have my Liberty Jail moment. It's almost a right. Where I can cry out, O God where art thou? Where is the pavilion that covers thine hiding place? It's at this moment where I feel like I can say...yeah...maybe I'm not like Job yet...but still Im in a bad spot. I'm tired of hearing the same ol' story. I'm tired of hearing I'll be ok. I'm done with it.
I just want to be ok.
*sigh* and I'm wasn't going to say it...but I feel I'm well within my rights haha... but I miss my best friend.........
A certain person when I first got to BYU...haha actually two people, said something to effect of....like not waiting to say things...and not beating around the bush. They are two of my favorite blog followers.
Summer Vacation is approaching....and thats something. Maybe I'll intern...or sit on my butt all summer and kick it with my boys. Welp so my blog is still doing alright despite my lack of posts...Surprisingly my dating tips blog is still getting hits....haha I did that in June last year. Dang...way to be...way to be.....