Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Nuclear 72-Hour Kit. This is ridiculous. You are warned.

So we were talking about things we should do should there ever be a nuclear attack in happy valley. My roommates (and the unfortunate fiance that got stuck in the situation) and I came up with three things that could survive the nuclear event and, therefore, we could use. Thanks to my precious Mother...who still doesn't have my Mother's Day card...oh boy probably should mail that....embarassing...but thanks to her it has become known as the Nuclear 72-Hour Kit.

I remembered on the Simpsons one time, I think, that a twinkie survived the nuclear reactor. This being said, might I offer one life saving tip? Twinkie house. Who needs bricks and mortar? Secondly, who needs a bomb shelter? Head over to your local grocer or costco and pick yourself up a box......or seventy. You know...enough to make un house. Better yet, go to the supplier and order a whole pallet load, twinkie mansion. I don't want Pop Tarts to feel out of the loop so make sure to supply your twinkie house with a box or two. I know what you are thinking, "Hey pal, I don't want to make a twinkie house. The home owners association would flip their lid!" To you I say, I have alternatives. Line your walls with twinkies. However, this is only effective if you know the bomb is coming and you can prepare. Another alternative, is something I really am excited about. I believe you can buy the batter for twinkies. Get it? Just fill your bath tub with batter. The blast is coming, jump in. Theoretically, not only will you be safe, but the blast will bake the twinkies and then you can eat your way out of the golden goodness. :)

2. Cockroaches
No one likes em but dang it, if they can save your life in an atomic blast you better cover yourself in them! Oh come onnnnn. They are just bugs. Alternative. Cover yourself in twinkies and let the roaches just kinda nibble on them. Not only is that double coverage, but you don't have to touch the icky roaches. Sure you could cover yourself in something else and then get the roaches, but it might not be nuclear proof.<---Thinker

3. Diamonds
They say diamonds are/last forever, let's put that to the ultimate test! Under the most intense pressure, these babies are formed. I'm thinking, diamond box, diamond hinges, diamond lock, three inch thick diamond walls, ---oxygen tank---, diamond all-terrain wheels, with a cockroach powered diamond propeller/engine (that way if you get stuck you can just drive your way out). Also...the diamond shelter will also have its own strong radio signal in case you are lost somewhere.

I've always had a theory that the most amazing thing to have in case of intense lava flows, is a diamond bubble or diamond raft. I had just watched Dante's Peak. Ever seen it? You'd want a diamond raft too with diamond paddles. Poor Grandma. The diamond shelter will have the rutter just to get through lava...for nostaligic purposes.

Complete the ensamble by lining the inside with twinkies for cushioning and caloric needs.

DIAMOND SHELTER FOR THE WIN. You'll be able to look nuclear blasts in the face and say, "Stop it. Just stop it. You aren't scary, you."


  1. We thought so. One of the better conversations we've ever had. We talked about venus fly traps once, I wish I could remember that...I think one ate a cat or bird or something...