Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Fear Number 2.

So hear is the next in a list of dumb fears.

Well. This one is always something I'm always thinking about. And when I say that I'm thinking about them, I mean I'm hardly ever thinking about them.

2. A door opening and hitting me in the face.

Or vice versa. Like. Imagine, if you will, a door that opens out and accessible from both sides. People are going in and out fairly fast. I need to go in. Is there someone coming out??? I dunno. I can't see through wood. I go to open it. I don't hear the person on the otherside. BAM. Has it ever happened before? No. But it's real. Worse case scenario, I die. Best case scenario, we both stop before we know what's happening (the usual). Middle case scenario, I get my hand blasted by the door knob. Think about it.

It's real.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

My biggest fears.

Well. As you well know, everyone has fears. Some greater than others. It's just that I have been accumulating worst fears for quite some time now. Like and I'm not talking about whacked out fears that will never happen. For example, a T-Rex coming to eat you just because you watched Jurassic Park 2 at the midnight showing at age 13. That's ridiculous. Or like those whacky people who freak out at the sight of yogurt.........I watched Maury Povich once and yeah, some lady freaked out at the sight of yogurt. One lady freaked out about making right turns in her car, she only made left turns.... Think about the emissions? You thought it was factories destroying the O-Zone causing global warming??? Wrong! It's left hand turn ladies of the world working their funky routes.
Sorry. Back to it.

Some guy was really really afraid of like squirrels or birds or something. I can understand birds because, son of b, they could poop on you at anytime (happened my first month on my mission). OR the whole group of them could just turn on you like a herd of pack hunting raptors....

Anyway, it's possible.

I'm talking the possible fears of my life. I have developed them over some time and I think they are unique, super unique and I will post them as they come. I call it Jake's Fear collection.

1. Hitting a person in with a car.

So the other night I'm driving around in my roommates car. I was only going to and from campus. It was cold. My windows got a smidge foggy. Suddenly, the fear cropped up. It stems from me driving without my glasses back in the day. I'm not saying that I will hit someone I don't see. I'm talking about a brave soul who thinks he or she can make it across the street before my vehicle comes barreling through and all I see is a blur that comes into the corner of my eye and just catches the corner of my front bumper and goes flying through the air. Remember, it's night time. So he just barely makes it into my headlights, terribly misjudging the run across the street and bam!

It had me checking the sidewalks for a mile. Some stupid dude sweeping in like those dumb birds. How they just decide to take off and sweep in front of cars to birdy fun. Then there's that one bird thinks he's the hot shot and doesn't time it right taking a tumble under the car, sending feathers and beaks everywhere.

Idiot.

Night driving without my glasses is a breeze, my eyes can make out most things. It's just when something impairs my vision, like foggy glass, more than my vision is already impaired, that's when things get freaky. Yeah. It's easy to mistake a shadow for a running man. Anyway. Enough information has been given.

As to not take away from my other fears, I'm going to post them one at a time for individual evaluation.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Soft voice...loving touch...

HOT MEAL!!! And not microwave hot either...we are talking stove cooked or crock pot.

Fair.

Kidding...but a good way to start a blog. You are captured, admit it. So this is a quicky but a goody.

I feel like on my list of things all girls should have is a soft voice. We were conversing and we have all agreed on a girl who is quite beautiful. Only one of us has heard her voice though. She is a consesus hunny, but the one that has heard her speak voted out because she had a smokers voice. Just John Wayne stuff. Louis Armstrong. James Earl Jones. Sometimes girls come in with that crackling voice and it's scarey. Like a permanent rasp. That's unfortunate. You just don't want that in a woman.  It's rare that a girl doesn't have a pretty voice.

But really. That and really loud laughing. A girl needs a good laugh. If she comes out cackeling, it's no good. I can't tell you how annoying loud laughing is, but really. Nothing is less attractive to me then a girl laughing obnoxiously loud. I heard a girl laughing through the ceiling the other day. And I said no. Too loud. I couldn't find my ear buds fast enough. Knives. Knives to my ears. Shut up with yourself...no one is that funny. Especially....well I'll stop there....  I also hate when it's fake. It makes me want to punch babies, just ginger babies. That's the devil's water...take a drink and your thrist ain't quenched.

Finally. Girl comedians. Not funny.

(Ladies calm down. If a guy has a squeaky voice...it's all over. Fortunately, I can count on my hand the number of people with this sad dissorder.)

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

New blog man...It's called...the door step scene.

Hold the applause and drop your draws! Here it comes...the door step scene. Eternally awkward. Eternally constant. Sometimes not awkward...which will not be covered...in this MY FIFTIETH BLOG POSTTTTTSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTSSSTTSSTTTSSS S T S T S T TTTTTT SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS               S. 50.

Now this will be a compilation blog, because it is me compiling two or more blogs into one singular blog. Don't worry though, there will be a page break.

I have been on a number of dates recently and so have my roommates. More often then not the door step scene comes up.

We always think this is going to be awkward. A sudden rush of blood pressure, heart rate picks up, the whole sweat that comes when your brain is on fire, like...you know what I mean? When you start sweating and you are like....well that's not cool, I haven't been jumping rope, but your face is so red it needs cooling. Shooooot. Slow down girl---Uncle Drew quote...easy...

So yeah...I'm gonna talk about it, because you all have already talked about it in your homes. Hitch got it all wrong. What girl fiddles with her keys? Weee-heh-eeee eeeeee need to talk about what really goes on.

From what I know about guys, they use the door step scene as the talking-about-things moment. Granted they actually have something intelligent to say. Which is more rare than one might think. Generally speaking, ladies, you have 1 to 2 dates before getting some kind of knowledge from the guy at the door step. If you have made it to date 3 without anything....um....how? That just seems to be the culture... He wants to know whats happening and I assume you do too. Here are some situations that we often see.

There is the newb. The newbs just get to the end of the date and are like...(in monotone grunts of course) duh I had a good time see yuhhh.

There is girl that freaks at the door hugs and runs in before anything sketchy can go down. She doesn't want awkwardness in her life but always wants the Disney moment. Huh.

There is the girl that hugs before the door, gives the thank you 10 minutes before and takes off. I don't honestly know what that's about.

There is the linger-too-longer. This is where you and the girl are just shooting the breeze on the door step and finally she is just like, ok I'm done. Especially, when the guy is fumbling around with his words and not really saying anything. I can recall a couple like that. I wasn't saying anything worth while. HOWEVER! I have had some great linger longers. You know what I'm talking about.

There is the hand-on-the-handle. This is where the girl has probably had a terrible date and just stands there with her hand on the door handle kinda half turned to you and other half focused on slowly turning the handle until you have said your piece. Well, that sucks, for the guy anyway.

There is the smile-and-nod-until-you-leave-and-say-bye-18-times one.. The girl is 100% agreeable, but probably isn't listening. -- MID-BLOG CONVO BREAK (the girl will be the one with exclamation points, guy with the periods...go) -- We should do this again. Sounds good! bye! I had a great time. Me too! bye! I love you. Uh huh! bye! You look like an ostriche. Thank you! Bye! --OVER-- I hope you read it at the speed of light because that's typically how fast they go....See.... right there is where the girl psyche makes no sense to me.

There is the mutual disappointment. You both know that nothing is going beyond this and you are both like...psh....see ya in the eternities, maybe. Usually on the first date.

I pretty much want to come up with creative solutions to remedy the situation. Maybe dropping a girl of at her window. Or giving her a ladder to get to her balcony. I actually really like the idea of having small cups of ice cream waiting at the door when your date it over...so you can talk while enjoying a tastey frozen treat.

I say all this in good comedy, because it's just funny. That's all. Just funny things.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sometimes, it just feels like the first couple minutes of this.


I sympathize. And wish this really happened. Stupid Disney....just making the coolest flipping stuff.

Just the iron will of good hearted men haha...



Monday, January 21, 2013

Center stage on the mic. And we're putting it on wax.

It's the NEW style!!! 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 and when I'm on the mic the suckers run. <<dope rhyme>>


I have less to say on this blog than I have in a long time. School is so cool this semester. I feel like I have so much time to do things to get caught up. I also feel like I'm internalizing things. Por exemplo...

ummm...nothing is coming to me...

I had no idea that there is the a chicago style of writing and that the Ensign is written in it. I knew about APA and MLA but...yeah...AND freak in the Chicago style if you do something, then do another something, and then do something else....you have put a comma before the and (see how I did it??? freaking whaaaaa?)

Two, on things learned. Le Corbusier. Technically I learned this last year, but he has over 37 works. They all sell for quite a bit of money. Henry Van De Velde designed the architecture for the Bauhaus and etc. If you don't what the Bauhaus is, well, that's your bad. You can't own much that hasn't been influenced by them...and the Workstadd...thats another story.

Three. I'm not a big fan of the aesthetics valued by Frank Lloyd Wright. So sue me.

Four. This blog is usually about girls. Honestly...I don't have much to say about the subject, things are good I do suppose. Technically this blog was started so "mediocre" guys could find great girls. Kinda a hitch type-thing. Well...also so other guys could know that I struggle and so maybe they'd feel less bad for struggling because I still struggle. Redundant much?

Five. I guess I'm only still numbering this because I started numbering it and it feels like I should still be numbering. Redundant much? <<<< hahaha I'm laughing anyway...just on the couch rolling haha

Six. I guess this was also started so girls...who I have found are my primary readers.... would understand what guys are thinking. Since I feel like I range in what is considered the stereotypical guy. Don't go something like...oooohhhhh Jake you are great....just....stop....and maybe I won't assume the thoughts that are going through your mind. If you are still following me....I still feel like my opinions somewhat match the opinions of other guys. Probably the guys that normal girls (though you are all wonderful...sheesh...cover my butt real quick) like ya'll, will finally settle down with. Not actors or astronauts or stripling soldiers...let me be frank...the stripling soldiers you ladies imagine probably didn't exist, or did but in the same amount of buffy buffs and huge-jawed swag men (Jimmer) that exist today, which if I do some rough number crunching is like 1 to every 30...or a generous 20.

Seven. So guys and gals...mostly guys...here it is...out in the open niftydateideas.com. Go there guys and adapt the doctrines found therein to your circumstances.

That's that's that.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

End of the semester/year wrap-up

If you aren't familiar with my blog, well...here it is.



hahaha couldn't help it...that's super corny. At the end of the year I normally do an end of year wrap up. I just try to capture maybe what I've learned or things that happened. But here it goes...

I can't remember what I was going to write about. Oops.

The semester is long since over. All over. Just flat over. It's come and gone. Summer is gone. It's dern cold out. This time last year I had someone to share it all with. This year I have multiple someones. Which is great.

I can honestly say that there are plenty of girls in my life I'd feel happy about dating. I'd move, but at the moment I just don't want rejection. And not that that is exactly what will happen, but...well maybe that is what will happen. Lance and myself have been talking about flirting, we haven't been doing any for a while. Oops. Got to change that.

I've been interning. That has been great. I will have furniture on the market soon. And also, I've been hired. So I'm kinda the lead designer. Yay. It's really fun. I'm always learning under the hand of my boss. He's super cool.

School went well. I came I designed, I conquered. I took marriage prep. I made a piece of furniture and went on 4 dates...an all time low for me. Seventeen credit hours took its toll. I didn't even think about all that. This coming semester I'll be back in the action though.

GOALS for Christmas Break :
1. Hug Mom.
2. Spend time in the scriptures. Basically, I need to jump back in. I read them, but I haven't had much of a chance to really get deep into them. Probably my fault.
3. Have a blast with Dad just running around and shopping and stuff.
4. Make Ron a steak and teach him the ways of the great searers of past times.
5. Make more Sushi with Ronald. I have so many wraps it's dumb.
6. Make my portfolio really good so I can try to intern at puma or nike.
7. Play lots of basketball.
8. I almost forgot, but we need an apartment Christmas card. We do one every year. It's tradition. They keep getting bigger and better every year too.

GOALS for next year:
I need a wife. Basically, I'm tired of living with dudes. I hate it. I have finally reached the point of hate. Just the point of blind hate. Maybe not that bad. I deal. I've just  never met so many dudes that just don't care about community space vs. private space. Like, I don't care what you do to your room, but the living room, that's used by everyone. Take care of it. That's been my philosophy. I have just dealt with it too much. It's over.

Now I'm not going to get all desperate and weird...and creepy. If a girlie comes she comes. Rather, if a girl accepts me for me. haha Then great. I'm sure I'll ask plenty of girls out, but will they say..."hey this guy is cool, dispite his thug attitude"... or ..."Um........no." As if perfection exists. I'm trying to be a guy of guys for girls. I'm really trying. In earlier blogs you'd hear a know it all kid that thought he had it all down. Now I'm just trying to hang on to something. Also...Marriage Resume...haha that was brilliant! I thought, anyway. It makes me laugh.

So that's a goal...above all maybe the only one I care about. It's also a fun goal. Like...some goals are about getting ahead in money and wot not...but this one is fun. It's like "oh get to know  a girl real well"... Yes please. These BYU girls just got me on lock down. They're like kryptonite. I'm not superman........So it's like.....I'm just a regular man and girls are like cinnamon toast crunch.....they lose...their crunch and flavor in milk...........?.....no....girls are like....a prime cut of top sirloin they are better rare..........shoot. They are like...a hot fire...you feel warm when you are near them....I guess that's just true of anything...sharing heat and stuff. I'm just struggling to find it...but life is better with a good girl. :) like what if the world didn't have butter? or chocolate oranges? or tiny cutie oranges? or NBA Jam Tournament Edition? Shoot.

I'm just rambling. Love from this boy, merry Christmas! Byeeee!