How to live? 1st thought at an answer.

Sometimes we have to be vulnerable. I don't like it. Some people hold their cards close to their chest and I don’t feel that's the way to do things. 

I could be wrong. Maybe holding things close to the chest isn't all that bad. There is something to be said about that. Not sure what, protection maybe? Strength? Definitely. Different blog, different day. 

Some of my most precious memories come from showing unrestricted emotions towards a person. Actions and words use to combine into something. I can get behind that. Since I've been home from my mission communication between my parents and sibling has strengthened greatly as I have learned to be open and make sure that I tell them I love them verbally. It carries with it a power beyond what I know. My mission taught me that and I will continue that throughout my life. 

If I love you, I'll tell you. 

Being slow to act is mostly the best to me. Some things require quick, immediate attention, but I have found that most matters can be well taken care of without quick blasts. 

We all have time. Plenty of it to take care of things.  

But on the inverse. 

I just put myself out there it's probably why I get stomped on sometimes. I mean. I look at myself and I'm like well shoot jake all your thoughts are on the chopping block. And I don't really realize that's what I'm doing. I'm just going on pure emotion. I just say it because I want my heart cleared. I don't realize that by doing that my heart is out there to be destroyed, which it has been as I awkwardly tilt, twirl and stumble through this thing called life. 

All the while never noticing I put myself in that position. You roll the dice you pay the price. Just this isn't a gamble with money. 

It's something more real.

I just look back at my position and think "man, this sucks and I just keep putting myself out there". I mean. Maybe there is vulnerability and just straight stupidity. 

But in my head I just think "no, just keep giving ang giving and get more and more trampled" til I'm like "okayyyyy i give up". 

That's how I deal with life. Everyone this is me taking a bow. You've been a great audience. 

A great friend said to me, “Could it get any worse? You've probably hit the bottom by now." Nice... 

I'm the type of person that was the child that burnt his hand on the stove. Parents told me don't do that again, that burns huh? But I'm like, no. I'm going to keep touching that burner until it knows exactly how I feel! Getting burned everytime, further deepening the burnt tissue. 

That's nice imagery. Thats how I deal with life. To this point it has been okay. 

I mean, I don’t have any stress fractures or blood clots.

Separate thought. I think sometimes we just look for stuff to hate in people. I’m even bad at this, without even knowing. The other day I thought, “What if my children like such and such a thing? Will I be mad at them? Would I hate my own kids for enjoying something I don’t feel attached to?” 

Maybe that’s too harsh of an example, but I don’t think so. In the deep parts of our mind maybe in order to keep ourselves straight we should have some worse case scenarios. 

I also wonder what is the phenomena that hangs over a person to pull the unwanted, probably unmerited thoughts of others.

It’s something I’m working on. 

I never know what has acted on people to make them the way that they are. That’s one thing I’ve learned in my….recent years….I was going to old age……but like well yeah

I think a lot of things would be settled if we just look at the future. Burning bridges and wot not.

Because underneath it all, I like to believe that we are all reasonable people. 

(2posts) I came in like a wrecking ball...

I'm sorry about the title for sure...

***Random thought. Still hung up on people thinking I'm marriage hungry...People think I am (which is wrong), but what about the people who let it consume them to the point they don't function. What a strange world we live in. Random thought completed.***

Blog Starting Line ---------------------

I just want to take the time to talk about how beautiful ya'll girls are.

I know, this isn't exactly my blogs normal dialogue, but I just want to say how true it is.

I have been priviledged to know some girls as of late, who I have literally stopped and thought, "Shoot."

I pondered on this later. I mean, some girls get down on themselves for one reason or another, but in my honest opinion there is no need. I know beauty is only skin deep, but each of these girls have great, genuine personalities.

I know girls sometimes think that they may not be as pretty as the next girl or whatever. Society is wrong. Comparisons are no good because we are talking about a matter of opinions and they vary so much from person to person that they are simply incomparable and not worthy of our dwelling thoughts.

----2nd Post

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I think about and how much I time I spend thinking about the things I think about. In no particular order.

I think about design a lot. I think about girls a lot. I think about how to be a better a lot. I spend a lot of time wondering what the heck I'm doing with my life. I spend a lot of time thinking about funny things. I spend a lot of time thinking about other people in general. I spend a lot of time thinking about God. I spend a lot of time thinking about the Atonement and repentance.

I spend some time thinking about fear. I spend some time thinking about my class. I spend some time thinking about how much time I have left at BYU, in the 105, in Provo, with my friends. I spend a lot of time thinking about things I just need to stop doing. I spend some time everyday thinking about my family and how I miss them and miss seeing them.

At least two of three times a day I think about my parents and how great they are. I just spend about 5 minutes thinking about them and nothing else. It happens everyday. Seriously though.

The question was posed to me, "How can we have the Spirit of God in our lives more?"

My answer simply was to read the scriptures. Thinking about that I realized the more time we spend doing something the more time we spend thinking about it and pondering about it. If we spend time at the Temple, spend time in the scriptures, spend time with good company, then the subject of our thoughts becomes things of the Kingdom of God.

I know a very logical flow, but I feel its got merit.

Back in the day I determined that there are certain things we do that give Satan fire power. If we view images and media that is not appropriate that give Satan fire power. He can bring up those images when he chooses. When we listen to inappropriate music on the regs, he can pull that back up at a moments notice. Before you know it you got Dr. Dre's Millennium album blasting in your mind. No bueno.

However, if you listen to and see wholesome images and media that gives the Spirit firepower from which He can use to overpower evil thoughts that Satan tries to use to harm us.

It's a formula for success. I've seen it work in my life. I know its real. It's the reason I think a 2 year mission is so great, because eventually after enough time of thinking about the Lord and the teachings of the Prophets, it becomes all you think about and a permanent spot in your thoughts.

Think about that.

----Random thoughts that I have----
If only I could count the times, in three years, I have walked sidewalk at my apartment complex from one side of the complex to the other, totally frustrated with life, looking up at the sky...in the cold...exhaling deeply and thinking..."crap"...

Rufio! Rufio! Ru-Fi-Ooooooo!!!!

It's a rainy day. I just ate a huge burrito. There are some things I just want to get down and roll out. 

Rufio is the best band in the whole darn world. Sorry. Kidding. My apologies to Led Zep, Beach Boys, Elvis...etc...

But they have a song called What You Wanna Hear. Its often time what I think about. Because, again this is what my blog is about, the inner workings of a boys mind. 

Well the toughness still, in a moment turns real life.
I struggle through my mind
But still have no words to say how I
Just know it could be right,
But now I've got an answer in the light
the moment passed me by.

If only I could think of what you wanna hear,
I can get a grip or or my life's over.
Now believe, I see how much you mean to me.
Think about the moment, look me in the eye,
Tell me that you want to give it a try,
And your make believe could be our reality.

Soooo sick. I mean sooo sick...soooo




I shared it! Again excellent CD. They've come a long way from their first album.

I've seen the Office...I know how this ends.

Here we are. Back. Back in the flesh. Back in the saddle. That unruly stead of life, always bucking and turning and bucking. Turning like the tide. Roll tide. Like a hurricane. Like a freight train coming toward ya at the speed of life. Electric word life, that means forever and that's a mighty long time. Time keeps slipping into the future. Further seems forever. Forever young, I want to be forever young. Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes.....that's enough of that.

Basically here's how it rolls, it's my senior year at the Y. What the freak?! It's coming in hot too. Like a comet running off course, but then on the course of my life. It's all too much to handle. I don't have the guaranteed ring that comes with admission to this prestigious school. It's probably my bad. Be that as it may I must move on.

I must speak the words of my heart. I must speak.

I hate losing. There is always someone we think we shouldn't lose to. Hopefully, that's satan. Or Roy.

But on a more personal more worldly note, I always end up comparing myself to others. Not that its something I want to do, but its something that happens quite a little bit. And in my mixed up sense of pride I conjure up people who I think I should always beat out. Maybe they think they should beat me. Maybe I just don't like the person. Regardless, I've learned to just stick to my guns, glory in the triumphs of my brethren, however, not giving up on my own dreams and happiness.

Remember....

Eventually, Jim got Pam. Eventually, all that is right in the world becomes right in our world.

Did your heart not sing when Jim finally asked Pam out?? That's a joy I hope everyone feels.

I have met a lot of Pam's though.

I have also learned the past couple of months to not be afraid to mess up. There are two kinds of people in this life. People who are afraid to be wrong and people who would rather mess up a million times to have some truth. With one, sure you are never wrong about anything because you never accept anything, and with the other you end up having to accept things that aren't total truths or maybe you have to accept some falsehoods but in the end have the opportunity to know what is real.

But live life. We have to be wrong and right. We have to fail and get up.

It will all come together.

I've seen the Office, I know how this turns out. Eventually, the girl/guy sees what he could have and sees what is truly real.

May I be blessed with such foresight, keep my goals in sight, and plant my best foot forward. I mean, it's my last year here.

The vision.

So yeah. Lets clear some things up. Um. One. Some people think I'm marriage hungry.

Let me be clear on this. I have been on this earth nigh unto 26 years. I'm fine. In fact maybe better than fine. If love strikes my life and things take off, cool. But if not, my faith is in God. My faith is in The Lord God and His plan. There. I'm just being me and doing me. I'm not sitting back and doing nothing. Double negative. And if that stops you there. You should not be reading. My blog because. I do. Not use proper grammar.

People think I'm a woman hater. Haha. I will not dignify that with a comment.

So I'm writing my first post on my iPhone. It's not bad. Just long. It takes a while.

Ok. So I've been thinking about things. My blog is normally about love and I will not stray from that tonight. I'm in the middle of watching a movie with my ward, and I'm sitting next to my apartment, not exactly what I want. There are a couple of people I would rather be by but I suck and am not courageous enough to change my situation. Um. Let me begin. Or rebegin.

Made a new word there.

George Feeny calls love the greatest mystery to ever be among mankind. I feel it a privilege to spend time around it and comment on things I notice.

There is a thing I think I have. Maybe I don't have it. Maybe I'm making it up. I can tell when two people are really good for each other. Seriously now. I can tell. I'm looking around tonight. And I can see some couples and some not couples that I can tell would work. Ones who have the stuff it takes.

I don't even know how I know. It's a feeling. I don't even know what it's good for. Not much that's for sure. Because I've tried telling people about it. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Three "couples" are around me right now. They aren't dating but should be. It's an interesting thing.

I don't know where I'm going with it either. Only to say look around at people. When you are it, to me, it is a way of knowing that love actually exists. There are those that say it doesn't, but it does.

As an outside observer what I think stops these couples from moving forward is fear. Fear of hurt. It's better to have loved and lost, trust me. Still paying for it.

So maybe not my best post. But it's interesting to see the various stages. Some married, some engaged, some dating, some who should be and then some, like myself, who sit next to his roomies against his will. It is what it is.

Enjoy this blog. Or don't. I can't stop you. Has pop tarts returned? I don't know the material is hard to write anymore. Haha.

Fear Number 2.

So hear is the next in a list of dumb fears.

Well. This one is always something I'm always thinking about. And when I say that I'm thinking about them, I mean I'm hardly ever thinking about them.

2. A door opening and hitting me in the face.

Or vice versa. Like. Imagine, if you will, a door that opens out and accessible from both sides. People are going in and out fairly fast. I need to go in. Is there someone coming out??? I dunno. I can't see through wood. I go to open it. I don't hear the person on the otherside. BAM. Has it ever happened before? No. But it's real. Worse case scenario, I die. Best case scenario, we both stop before we know what's happening (the usual). Middle case scenario, I get my hand blasted by the door knob. Think about it.

It's real.

My biggest fears.

Well. As you well know, everyone has fears. Some greater than others. It's just that I have been accumulating worst fears for quite some time now. Like and I'm not talking about whacked out fears that will never happen. For example, a T-Rex coming to eat you just because you watched Jurassic Park 2 at the midnight showing at age 13. That's ridiculous. Or like those whacky people who freak out at the sight of yogurt.........I watched Maury Povich once and yeah, some lady freaked out at the sight of yogurt. One lady freaked out about making right turns in her car, she only made left turns.... Think about the emissions? You thought it was factories destroying the O-Zone causing global warming??? Wrong! It's left hand turn ladies of the world working their funky routes.
Sorry. Back to it.

Some guy was really really afraid of like squirrels or birds or something. I can understand birds because, son of b, they could poop on you at anytime (happened my first month on my mission). OR the whole group of them could just turn on you like a herd of pack hunting raptors....

Anyway, it's possible.

I'm talking the possible fears of my life. I have developed them over some time and I think they are unique, super unique and I will post them as they come. I call it Jake's Fear collection.

1. Hitting a person in with a car.

So the other night I'm driving around in my roommates car. I was only going to and from campus. It was cold. My windows got a smidge foggy. Suddenly, the fear cropped up. It stems from me driving without my glasses back in the day. I'm not saying that I will hit someone I don't see. I'm talking about a brave soul who thinks he or she can make it across the street before my vehicle comes barreling through and all I see is a blur that comes into the corner of my eye and just catches the corner of my front bumper and goes flying through the air. Remember, it's night time. So he just barely makes it into my headlights, terribly misjudging the run across the street and bam!

It had me checking the sidewalks for a mile. Some stupid dude sweeping in like those dumb birds. How they just decide to take off and sweep in front of cars to birdy fun. Then there's that one bird thinks he's the hot shot and doesn't time it right taking a tumble under the car, sending feathers and beaks everywhere.

Idiot.

Night driving without my glasses is a breeze, my eyes can make out most things. It's just when something impairs my vision, like foggy glass, more than my vision is already impaired, that's when things get freaky. Yeah. It's easy to mistake a shadow for a running man. Anyway. Enough information has been given.

As to not take away from my other fears, I'm going to post them one at a time for individual evaluation.